Goodbyes and Reflections...

I'll warn you up front that this post is more for me than you. My thoughts are not organized, but I'm just going to let them out. So... The last 12 days have been filled with packing, organizing and cleaning, giving things away, spending time with friends, goodbyes, and sleeping (everything else is exhausting!). Right now I'm sitting on Julie's bed which has no sheets on it using the internet and drinking cowboy coffee. Our wireless router is gone (why i'm Julie's room), coffee pot is gone (why I'm drinking such coffee), and even Julie is gone as of 6am this morning so I'm now roomate-less. Julie is on her way to Delhi and only has about 3 days left in India. I'm still in Manali for 2 more days finishing up the packing, give-aways, goodbyes, etc... and then I'm heading up North for a little while before I go back to Delhi.

I'll actually reach Springfield, MO in about one month - August 27th to be exact. In the next 30 days I'll be trekking in the northernmost state in India, visiting friends in Kathmandu, saying goodbyes and finishing up everything in Delhi, and then hanging out in London with 2 college friends.

Actually reaching home still seems to be off in the future (although it won't be long), but leaving here is becoming VERY real. Last night felt a little bit like the last night of college. The house was almost empty, roomates were all busy doing last minute things, and even though we'd been thinking about the "end" for at least 6 months no one really seemed prepared for it. Actually at the end of every semester in college I can remember driving home (usually with a car full of stuff) and reflecting on the previous semester. I almost always cried or came close to it. They were emotions of thankfullness for another blessed semester and tears of sadness as I was reminded that college doesn't last forever. I loved college - my friends were awesome, we had some amazing and fun times together, and I experienced being in a community that allowed me to be myself and grow a ton. The sadness doesn't come because what's next in life is bad or unexciting. Obviously since college the Lord has given me some new amazing friendships and allowed me to experience some pretty incredible things that I wouldn't trade for anything. It seems that following the Lord is often pretty crazy when you let Him have control. I have no doubt that whatever He has next for me will be amazing. Life with Him is never boring! I guess that when any good thing comes to an end though, it's hard.

The 2 most common questions I've recieved the last several months are, "are you excited about going home?" and "what's next?" I'm guessing that even once I reach home a different version of these questions will still be the most common. ("are you excited to be home?" and "what are you going to do now?") Am I excited about going home? Of course! I'll get to spend extended periods of time with my family again, reconnect with friends, etc... Even small things like electricity that works most of the time, clothes dryers, microwaves, dish-washers, beef, streets without all kinds of animals in them, almost no honking, no temples with ridiculous "music" outside my window, nature that is relatively uncorrupted by trash and pollution, driving myself around, wal-mart and grocery stores that always have what you need, hanging out at coffee shops with friends, going to church and worshiping in a language I understand, wearing shorts or whatever I want, and so many more small things I do definitely look forward to.

I can't stop there though. Going home also means leaving a part of myself here. My heart will forever be changed. India is not a place that I found easy to love. To be completely honest, it's a HARD place in so many ways. After I leave every 6 months, my guard is down a little bit coming back and I see once again how difficult this place is in some ways. Yet, it's become home for a time. He's made a place that at first seemed so very different from where I came seem like "home." The L has blessed me with some incredible friends once again that have taught me so much and changed my life. He's given me some truly fun and good times here. He's allowed me to play a small part in His Kingdom here. And He always gave me the grace needed to endure (and sometimes even enjoy or at least laugh) when really difficult times came. He so sweetly remindes me of the good in the people and culture here as well as helping me to grieve as He does over the lostness and corruption in this land. There is NO place in the world like India. I still have a strong desire to travel the world, but this place is TRULY unforgettable. As I gave Julie a hug and said goodbye at about 5:45 this morning, the words we exchanged are a very tired and short description of how I feel. "It hasn't been easy. Actually there have been some really hard times. But, I'll miss you and I'll miss THIS." So, even though I AM excited about coming home, it's not going to be easy. My heart is excited and broken all at the same time.

The "what's next" question requires a much shorter answer right now. I have NO idea. Sure, ideas come to mind. My options are WIDE open. In a worldly sense, I'm sure I look pretty irresponsible right now. But, this world is not my home, so thankfully that doesn't really matter. One thing I've been learning as I look back on my life and at the lives of other believers is that our "need" to plan and always know what's next often gets in the way of His plan for us. It seems that in our impatience, we sometimes don't wait on Him to reveal His plan and we start implementing our own plans instead. I'm not saying that Father doesn't give us a brain to use or that the "planner" personality type is bad...just that we often get too impatient or we do certain things to "serve Him" mainly because of our pride. I definitely don't have all this figured out or anything, but even the last week He's reminded me how much He honors our small steps of waiting on Him for direction and then obeying. So anyway, I'm going to arrive in Springfield, MO in one month and as for what's after that, I just don't know but I'm sure it won't be boring!

I've probably gone on long enough, so I'll share a few pictures of just a few of the people that have become my family on this side. I'm BLESSED!

Lastly, I haven't even asked permission to post this, but my friend Mandi wrote a song a while ago and recently posted it on her blog as she's leaving soon and going through the same kind of emotions as me. It describes well how I feel too, so hope you don't mind me sharing this Mandi!

It took more than just a step of faithTo follow You to such a strange placeBut now the strange has become homeA home like none I have ever knownWith friends who became my family It turned out not so different from what I left behindBut now it’s time for me to carry onA new chapter has begunIt’s time to say goodbye to this part of my journeyAnd I’m torn, because I long to see what You have in storeBut this broken land my heart will not releaseSo I’ll step out in faith like I did when I followed You hereBecause this strange place has made a home in meThere is joy in the journeyThough it breaks our hearts to take some stepsIn faith we find You’ve been leading us all alongThere is joy in the journeyFor when we follow You We find out who We really are…I’ve learned it takes more than a step of faithTo follow You to each new strange placeBut somehow You make the strange become homeSo I’ll rejoice in what the daybreak bringsAs You teach me new songs to singOf Your grace, through the joy and the painAnd through the sweetest of joys and the hardest of blowsMy heart can rest where Your Spirit goesBecause I know You’ll always be walking with meThey say time heals all woundsBut I pray that it leavesA broken piece in meTo remember each place, And who I becameEvery step of this journey…There is joy in the journeyThough it breaks our hearts to take some stepsIn faith we find You’ve been leading us all alongThere is joy in the journeyFor when we follow You We find out who We really areWhen we follow You We find out who We really are…